Attracting Light

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Redneck Computer Terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Things You'd Never Hear a Redneck Say

• Wrasslin's fake.
• Gimme some o dat mineral water.
• You kids move from the back of the pick-up, it ain't safe!
• Do you think my hair is too big?
• I thought Graceland was tacky.
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I've got it all on a floppy disk.
• Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
• Damned if that polititian ain't honest!
• We're vegetarians.
• I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
• You can't feed that to the dog.
• Trim the fat off that steak.
• I just love the Opera
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

If Bill Gates was a Redneck

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse
3. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
4. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
5. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
6. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
7. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
8. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
9. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
10. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
11. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
12. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!
13. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
14. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
15. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
16. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
17. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...
18. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
19. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

Final Words in Crashes

The National Transportation Safety Board had recently funded a project with the U.S. auto makers whereby they are to install a black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This project was done in an effort to determine the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the a truck crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit".

Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"

Tenth Baby

A redneck woman had just given birth to her tenth baby when her doctor says,
"You've just had your tenth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Phil"

"But you named the last nine Phil"

"Yeah its great. I say Phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."

Naming Twins

A man was driving to the hospital, with his wife who was pregnant with twins, when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a high school dropout which was never taken seriously, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”
His brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”

The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

You Might Be a Redneck if...

1. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
2. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines.“
3. You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.
4. You think "taking out the trash“ means taking your in-laws to a movie.
5. You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
6. You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
7. You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
8. You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
9. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
10. You refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".
11. Your parents met at a family reunion.
12. You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
13. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
14. They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools
15. Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.