Short Blonde Jokes

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Attracting Light

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Redneck Computer Terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Things You'd Never Hear a Redneck Say

• Wrasslin's fake.
• Gimme some o dat mineral water.
• You kids move from the back of the pick-up, it ain't safe!
• Do you think my hair is too big?
• I thought Graceland was tacky.
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I've got it all on a floppy disk.
• Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
• Damned if that polititian ain't honest!
• We're vegetarians.
• I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
• You can't feed that to the dog.
• Trim the fat off that steak.
• I just love the Opera
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

If Bill Gates was a Redneck

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse
3. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
4. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
5. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
6. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
7. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
8. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
9. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
10. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
11. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
12. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!
13. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
14. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
15. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
16. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
17. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...
18. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
19. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

Final Words in Crashes

The National Transportation Safety Board had recently funded a project with the U.S. auto makers whereby they are to install a black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This project was done in an effort to determine the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the a truck crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit".

Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"

Tenth Baby

A redneck woman had just given birth to her tenth baby when her doctor says,
"You've just had your tenth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Phil"

"But you named the last nine Phil"

"Yeah its great. I say Phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."

Naming Twins

A man was driving to the hospital, with his wife who was pregnant with twins, when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a high school dropout which was never taken seriously, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”
His brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”

The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

God is Missing

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They always get into trouble and if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are always involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Sexist Jokes About Women

• What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
• A battery has a positive side

• Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
• Because she was a woman

• Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
• It doesn't need cleaning yet

• Why did God make woman last?
• He didn't want someone telling him what to do

• What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
• A widow

Sexist Jokes About Men

• How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
• He buys two cases of beer

• How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
• Both of them

• Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
• Because those men already have boyfriends

• Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
• Because if they all went, it would be hell

• Why did God create man before woman?
• Because your always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

You Might Be a Redneck if...

1. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
2. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines.“
3. You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.
4. You think "taking out the trash“ means taking your in-laws to a movie.
5. You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
6. You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
7. You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
8. You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
9. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
10. You refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".
11. Your parents met at a family reunion.
12. You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
13. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
14. They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools
15. Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

Getting Fax

An American, a Japanese man, and a man from Africa are in a sauna.
There was a ringing sound, so the American makes his hand into a phone shape, whispers, "Phone call," to the other two men, and answers it.

And then there was a beeping noise, the Japanese man taps his wrist several times, and says, "I'm being IM'ed."

After a while, the African goes to the bathroom, and when he comes back, there's toilet paper trailing from his a$$. The American says, "You know, uh, you have some toilet paper back behind..."

"I'm getting a fax."

Funeral Mistake

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "I think there's a mistake, you have him in a blue suit and I wanted him in a black suit"

The mortician says "We’ll take care of it ma’am!" and yells back, "Hey Jim! Switch the heads on three and five!"

Owe Cash

Two guys are walking down an alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

Three Questions

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes it is" the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"

Beer Lake

Two guys went fishing in a lake. The first guy reels his fishing pole and sees that he's snagged an old bottle.

As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.

"Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You idiot! Now we've got to piss in the boat!"

Old Man's Confession

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m sixty five years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy said: "I’m telling everybody!"

Chicken Man

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Help me doctor, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken."

The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in then?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

The Lawyer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only forty eight."

"Forty eight?" says St. Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re seventy eight."

"How do you get that?" the lawyer asks. St. Peter answers: "We added up your time sheets."